Uxbridgisms

A

Aerobics.  Chocolate pens.

Arcadia.  Idyllic area of slot machines.

Alistair.  Someone on the A-list.

Aggregate.  Farming scandal.

Andante.  Wife of the poet.

Anagram.  Like a strippergram but just a girl called Anna shows up.

B

Blister.  Someone on the B-list.

Bipolar.  Shop at Iceland.

Bipolar Disorder.  Tummy upset as a result of eating food bought at Iceland.

Biology.  A double degree.

Barge.  Mrs. Simpson with a cold.

Billingsgate.  The expenses scandal.

Berlin.  What the Newcastle Cricket Club are doing when they’re not batting.

Barbican.  Empowerment for dolls.

Belgium.  Periodic element next to Tedium, symbol Eu.

Bartok.  Pub clock.

Banbury.  Cooking utensil used when you have a cold. 

Buttress.  Mistress with a large behind.

Barricade.  The President’s fizzy drink.

Beijing. Doing stuff in pale brown.

C

Cacti.  Rubbish neckwear.

Cezanne. Casual address to the Queen’s daughter.

Carry On Cowboy.  Thieving vulture.

Carmelite.  Diet cosmic aura.

Caricature.  A character manicure.

Carpaccio.  Italian Auto-Repair.

Calibre.  Sword without a handle.

Cuticle.  Extra cute.

Contractual.  Against reality.

Celerity.  Small fast vegetable.

D

Dinosaurs.  Mouth ulcers.

Delectable.  Impossible to be spoken about.

Delhi.  Like a cute valley.

Decimate.  1/10 of a friend.

E

Expensive.  Used to think think a lot.

Equador.  Entrance to a stable.

F

Fagioli.  Small bassoon.

Fusillade.  Peppers with pasta, (piperade and fusilli).

Fecund.  After First in olde English.

Flirt.  What a Geordie does in water.

Fallacy.  Penis-shaped.

Fava bean.  Cockney pulse.  Probably not married to Muva bean.

G

Gorgon.  Mythical creature often made into cheese.

Garbage.  General clothing.

Galangal.  Lesbians.

H

Hebrides.  Ancient Scottish philosopher.

Hyderabad.  Don’t Drink The Water.

Hypocritical.  Very ill pachyderm.

Humbug.  A thoughtful beetle while dusting.

I

Inconsistancy.  Ancient Peruvian toilet flushing.

Inhibition.  Indoor exhibition.

Impending.  Death of an imp.

J

Jamon Iberico.  What Spanish football fans shout.

Juniper.  Pregnant crab.

Jocular.  Vein in a Scotsman’s neck.

K

Kermit.  What Geordies do to their hair.

Kodaly.  Hello in Australia.

L

Liability.  Skill at telling porkies.

Leningrad.  Qualified student of Communism.

Latitude.  What Le French have.

Labia.  What Les French drink.

Lampeter.  Welsh kebab.

Lento.  Religious festival when you eat slowly.

Liberace.  A movement sung in the gay Mass.

Lieutenant.  Rent payer falling behind

Locomotive.  A mad reason.

M

Magistrate.  Madonna isn’t gay.

Marmite.  A fan of the Queen.

Marmite.  A debutante.

Meteorite.  More meaty Marmite.

Monet.  Cash in Birmingham.

Moribund.  Cummerbund for corpses.

Mundane.  Of a Monday.

N

Nun chukas.  Bouncers at the Convent Ball

O

Oscillate.  Overdue wild cat.

P

Puncture.  A talk on 70s music.

Paralympics.  Sports for drunks.

Polaroid.  Polio and Typhoid.

Pathos.  The feeble musketeer.

Pecorino.  Small Italian woodpecker.

Porch.  What a Newcastle budgie sits on.

Prevaricate.  To apply lotion to the legs before an operation.

Participate.  Anticipate, but only partly.

Paranoid.  Robot airman.

Pushy.  Sean Connery’s cat.

Parsnips.  The parson’s children.

Q

Quaver.  A wobbly note.

R

Ragamuffin.  Indian cake

Romania.  Pre-Boat Race hype.

S

Smooch.  Small dog.

Supposition.  The placement of an anal lozenge.

Savlon.  S’where King Arthur’s buried.

Sealion.  To iron seals with.

Sylvester.  Investor in sylphs.

Sycophant.  Ailing pachyderm.

Scandinavia.  Area with many scandals.

Scampi.  Like a scamp.

Secretion.  The art of keeping a secret.

Sublime.  Under a fruit.

Spine.  Where Cockney villains live.

Slovenly.  From Slovenia.

T

Taipei.  A blood category.

Trampoline.  Something to clean hobos with.

Tagliatelle.  Italian Broadcasting Corporation.

Torquay.  The person being spoken to.

Tosca.  The Yorkshire actors award.

Tosca.  The Hollywood opera singers award.

U

Umbrage.  Where undecided people go to university.

V

Velcro.  A sticky bird.

Vivace.  Speedy Q&A.

W

Wisteria.  A panicky flower.

Wallaby.  Animal that wants to be a small bear.

Weevil.  A nasty bug.

Wok.  Something you thwow at a wabbit.

X

Y

Yak.  Talkative cow.

Yeovil.  Town full of dudes.

Yakitori.  Chatty Conservative.

Z

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